SIDAutism: Emotions

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RIP Alex Spourdalakis - yet another autism murder

Alex Spourdalakis, autistic 14-year-old, was murdered last week by the very people entrusted with his care.

RIP Alex Spourdalakis

Alex is one of such a long list. And his story has really gotten under my skin, for a number of reasons, as outlined below.

What happened?

His own mother, Dorothy Spourdalakis, with the support of his godmother Jolanta Agata (Agatha) Skrodska, stabbed him four times in the chest. This happened several hours after they had attempted to give him a drug overdose of sleeping pills and decided they couldn't wait any more to see if the medication would kill him. So his own mother went to the kitchen, chose a knife, went back to the bedroom, and plunged it into her own child's chest, over and over again, while he lay sleeping in his bed. She also nearly severed his hand while slitting his wrist.

She then handed the knife to her co-conspirator, his godmother and co-carer, who proceeded to use it to kill the family cat because they didn't want it to go to a shelter. Then the two women cleaned the knife, returned it to the kitchen knife block, and attempted to overdose themselves on sleeping pills. After locking the bedroom door, they laid down beside poor dead Alex and went to sleep.

The only small mercy I can see in this is that Alex was fast asleep when his mother stabbed him.

The Media Message

The media is failing Alex. As a whole, the message is currently focused on the idea that Alex was a difficult autistic teen who weighed 200 pounds and was prone to violent outbursts. His mother and godmother were "overwhelmed" and "beyond exhaustion". The media are saying that the system, by leaving them unsupported, drove these two women to commit premeditated violent murder of a helpless autistic teen.

What the media seems to not realise is this: the message they are spreading is that the lack of supports and services probably justified murder, even premeditated murder. It's apparently not their fault. It's everyone else's. Also, an autistic person's life has no real value, and it's okay to commit murder in order to step back from personally difficult circumstances.

I would appeal to the media to spend more time looking into Alex's story, finding out who he really was and how he touched lives, sharing those details with us. If this were not a disabled child, the media would automatically do so. They would raise him up, spend time talking about how wonderful he had been in life, how he had touched so many lives, how loved he was by his community, and would share little personal stories offered by people who had known him. They would do this while concurrently pushing home the point that murdering one's children is not okay, and publicly vilifying the parent.

But because Alex is autistic, and despite the crime being so violent and awful - and premeditated - once again the message is one of sympathy for the murdering parent. Why is it justifiable to violently kill an autistic teen, but not okay to kill a neurotypical one? Why is that the default position of the media?

The media needs to turn this lens on the choice of focus they use, because they are propagating the tragic and horrific idea that disabled children's lives don't hold the same worth as other children's lives. They need to pick up their game and get the message right.

Let's look at the situation more bluntly and honestly.

Earlier in 2013, Alex's mother had publicly appealed for help and she claims that help had not been forthcoming. She purportedly received $15,000 in cash raised from concerned citizens who sent money. Nobody seems to know how that money was dispersed. And later there was an additional appeal for more money. She did receive an offer of DCFS services via the hospital two weeks before she killed Alex, but she apparently rejected those services.

Instead, she took Alex out of hospital. She took him home, and after just a week, started to conspire with his godmother to kill him.

She gave up on her own son.
She chose to kill him.
She spent a week talking about it and planning it with another person.
She premeditated it.
There was no sudden mental snap.
It wasn't a crime of passion.
She didn't suddenly fly into a rage and do something terrible in the heat of the moment.
She planned it.
FOR A WEEK.
And then carried it out, three times.
She gave him an overdose of sleeping pills.
She waited for hours, checking his pulse and breathing to see if he was dead yet.
That was murder attempt number one.
Eventually she decided more drastic action was needed.
So, after attempting to murder him once and failing, she decided to do it again.
She went and got that knife from the kitchen.
She probably spent time deciding which knife would be best for the job.
Then she went back to the bedroom, stood over her sleeping son.
She probably took a moment to think about which way would be best to stab him.
Then she plunged the knife into her son's chest.
And she did it again.
And she did it again.
And she did it one final time.
That was murder number two.
Then she sliced open his wrist for good measure - this would be the third attempt to kill him.
She nearly took off his hand, she cut his wrist so deep.

She murdered her own son in three different ways, to make sure it was really done. She was methodical, systematic and patient. She made sure the job was done and there was no chance of his survival.

There is nothing here to be sympathetic about.

I am also suspicious of the supposed suicide attempt by these two women. Given they already had seen the sleeping pills not work in their attempt to kill Alex, I question the veracity of their claims that they were attempting suicide. I am of the view that they more likely wanted to make themselves look like victims and garner sympathy after they were found.

So, what's to be done?

It's really very simple.

Next time you hear of an autistic or disabled child killed by his/her parents, instead of thinking,
"Oh those poor parents, they must've been desperate."
Remind yourself to think this:
"Oh that poor child, how awful."

It comes down to people seeing it differently, and reminding others to do so as well. Murder of a child is simply not the behaviour of a normal caring person. It is a crime, regardless of the circumstances. It's that easy to understand.

Also, there is a Community Vigil for Alex scheduled for 7am 16 June. Click for details.

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Other articles about Alex:

What about the murdered autistic children?

All of the people in the list below were murdered as a result of their autism or disability.

Credit for this list goes to Autism Wars - Until The Murders End.
(NB: I think she, in turn, got the list from the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN).)

TIFFANY PINCKNEY 23, starved by her sister, 2005. | ZAIN AKHTER 12, Strangled by her mother, July 2010 . | AJIT SINGH 12, forced to drink bleach by his mother. February 2010 | BENJAMIN BARNHARD 13, shot by his mother, August 2011 | BETTY ANNE GAGNON 48. tortured to death by her sister and brother-in-law. November 2009 | CALISTA SPRINGER 16, smoke inhalation-chained to her bed by her father and stepmother, February 2008. | CHASE OGDEN 13, shot by his mother along with his sister Olivia, October 2010 | CHRISTOPHER DEGROOT 19, locked in apartment set on fire by his parents, May 2006 | CHRISTOPHER MELTON 18, gassed by his mother. June 2010 | DANIEL CORBY 4, drowned by his mother. March 2012 | FARYAAL AKHTER 2, strangled by their mother, July 2010 | FRANCECCA HARDWICK 18, locked in a burning car with her mother, October 2007 | GEORGE HODGINS 22. shot by his mother, March 2012. | GERREN ISGRIG 6 years old, died of exposure after his grandmother abandoned him in a remote area, April 2010. | GLEN FREANEY 11, strangled by his mother. May 2010 | JEREMY BOSTICK 11, gassed by his father. September 2009 | JEREMY FRASER 9 years old, died of recurrent leukemia alter his mother withheld the medication that would have saved his life. March 2009 | JORI LIRETTE 7, decapitated by his father, August 2011. | JULIE CIRELLA 8, poisoned by her mother. July 2011 | KARANDEEP ARORA 18, suffocated by his parents, October 2010. | KATIE MCCARRON 3 years old, suffocated by her mother. May 2006 | KENNETH HOLMES 12, shot by his mother. July 2010. | KYLE SNYDER 9, shot by grandmother, October 2010. | LAURA CUMMINGS 23, tortured to death by her mother and brother. January 2010 | LEOSHA BARNETT 17, starved to death by her mother and sister. May 2011 | NAOMI HILL 4, drowned by her mother, November 2007 | NOE MEDINA JR. 7 months, thrown 4 stories by his mother, August 2011 | PAYTON ETTINGER 4, starved by his mother, May 2010 | PETER EITZEN 16. Stabbed by his mother. July 2009 | ROHIT SINGH 7, beaten to death by his father, September 2010. | ROBERT ETHAN SAYLOR 26, asphyxiation during catastrophic police encounter, January 2013 | RYLAN ROCHESTER 6 months old, suffocated by his mother because she believed him to be autistic, June 2010 | SCARLETT CHEN 4 years old, drowned by her mother, July 2004 | STEVEN SIMPSON 18, doused with tanning oil and set on fire during his birthday party by party guests, June 2012 | TONY KHOR 15, strangled by his mother, October 2009 | TRACY LATIMER 12 years old. gassed by her father, 1995. | WALTER KNOX HILDEBRAND JR 20 years old, died of a seizure induced by his brother's physical abuse. November 2009 | ZAHRA BAKER 10, murdered and dismembered by her stepmother and perhaps her father. October 2010.

I have one simple message to follow this list - it is never okay to murder someone, even if they have a disability. We often hear people say, "Well, these parents must have been under enormous pressure. It's understandable really." But, quite frankly, that's an insane statement, which is only ever applied to murders of disabled people - and it is simply not true.

It's not understandable, okay or reasonable that someone can kill a baby, child, young person or vulnerable person in their care. I can understand that parents might be completely stressed out of their minds. I can understand that they might be pushed beyond breaking point. But this never justifies killing another person, disabled or otherwise. And certainly not a member of their own family.

I think that's the proverbial litmus test in this case. Perhaps you can for a moment try to imagine yourself, the parent, in an unbelievably stressful situation where your child has pushed all of your buttons and you're feeling utter rage, total helplessness, absolute exhaustion and complete overwhelm. Can you ever see in that circumstance that killing your child might be an okay or reasonable response to the situation? Is it the only course of action left to you? Is it the best thing you can do? Would it be merciful to your child to snuff out their light?

I can categorically state as a long-time parent of an autistic child, that it has not once, does not now, and never will feel okay or reasonable for me to kill, or consider killing, my own child, no matter what the circumstances. In fact it has never occurred to me. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone there! Furthermore, I cannot think of a single rational reason anyone could ever give me that would ever convince me that killing my child would be a worthwhile course of action.

These are not mercy killings and the murders are not reasonable, because the killers always had a choice, and the victims did not. They could choose to kill, or they could choose not to kill, and to find a different solution. If they were so desperately overwhelmed, they could have sought help. All it takes is a phone call. And if that one doesn't work, another phone call. And another. And another. As many as it takes until you get the help you need. I know this is true, because I've made those phone calls myself. Because I valued my child's well-being enough to never give up on finding a positive solution. Hmmm, a toss up between asking for help and killing my child. Tough decision, NOT.

Murder is not okay, regardless of the victim's disability status.

NB: This may seem a very dark topic to post on here, but it's imperative that the conversation not be snuffed out. These deaths cannot go unnoticed and without comment. Because the more we stay quiet, the more people will think it's okay. It logically follows that therefore it will happen more, and then more excuses will be made for killers, who will continue to get away with murder.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCCozlkU6JJXLpwc5civbA9WHkcV1xlCQWQbfYCgVMbJZ_V-x86VmbOJWopr_oaJaLF-0xt-Z5N5Q1OuSecOvp65V-1HrJKM4FRt7uv3T7l_KgdLIqhg7BHuuMWlx-S60W0bWsUUUo4S9c/s1600/vigilpic.jpg

Fairy Tale Forgotten: I don't want to change...

Fairy Tale Forgotten: I don't want to change...

Excerpt:

"So, I stopped seeing my therapist. I didn't like break up with him or anything. I just cancelled my last appointment and I haven't been back in a month or more.

He gave me homework. Like little projects to work on and then report back to him. His most frequent one was my eye contact. He wanted me to look everyone in the eye. Strangers, family, friends, coworkers, people in cars, people who were prepping to jump off bridges, whatever. Anyone.

I can't do that.

He asked me what happens when I look someone in the eye. When I asked what he meant, he said does anyone give you mean looks, say mean things to you, or get angry when you look them in the eye? I said, well, no. He then concluded that nothing bad happens if you look someone in the eye.

Here's where he was wrong. Bad things do happen. To me. Inside me."

Click on the link above for the full story.

Do autistic people have empathy?

I've been saying this for over a decade, so to me it's not radical or new thinking, but it's certainly an idea the neurotypical world has seemingly refused to take on board.

In my opinion, the idea that autistic people have no empathy is a myth. It's a gross generalisation by a group of highly "qualified" people (eg: psychologists/researchers) who are simply guessing at the autistic experience based on outside appearance/behaviours - instead of asking the right questions and hence finding out what it is that an autistic person truly experiences and feels.

I know, right? The irony of that description is not lost on me either.

According to those so-called experts, we're supposed to believe that all autistic people are lacking in empathy. Remember, these experts are primarily neurotypicals who base these assessments on things they can measure in a scientific, observable way, rather than on anecdotal evidence based on the real day to day lives and thoughts of autistic people (and of those who live with/care for someone with an ASD). They assess this skill of empathy based on and in comparison to the behaviours of the neurologically typical person - but of course the autistic person by definition doesn't fit that profile, so as far as I can tell, the assessment criteria are faulty.

Of course I am just the mother/cousin/niece/grand-daughter/friend/educator of autistic people. I don't have a big science degree up on my wall, nor am I a super-duper doctor or psychologist. So, if you feel the need, take my opinion with a grain of salt. But keep in mind that the opinion I express is based on my experiences and observations, plus a dash of common sense, as well as on what I have heard expressed by autistic people about themselves and their own experiences.

In which case, let's get down to what I really think. In my experience, autistic people are the most empathic people I have ever met. They are the first to pick up someone who has fallen down. In my experience they are the first to sacrifice their own needs in order to help another person. (They are frequently exploited due to this tendency.) I have been in many situations where an autistic person seems to be the only one there who cares that I might be having a negative experience. As best I can tell, it seems that autistic people are very high on the empathic scale, extremely high on the compassion scale, and in fact they seem to absorb the feelings of others even more intensely than the average neurotypical.

However, due to challenges reading body language, sometimes an autistic person won't see the signs that empathy is needed. Sometimes very intense feelings will take over when a sense of someone else's distress occurs, but the autistic person won't necessarily recognise or understand the source of these emotions. Instead of realising that they are experiencing empathic feelings, the autistic person takes the feelings on board as their own, internalises what they are experiencing. Then overwhelm kicks in - potentially leading to shutdowns or meltdowns. This is quite clearly not the same as a lack of empathy.

Conversely, it seems to me, neurotypicals lack proper empathy for autistic people, and this is measurable by how often neurotypical people assume they know, instead of asking, what the experience and feelings are of the person with autism.

For further reading, check out http://www.autismandempathy.com/

...and here's the empathy article that triggered me to write this piece:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2009/05/11/a-radical-new-autism-theory.html

...

Mama Be Good: How Do We Answer "Will He Be Happy?"

Validating emotions before punishing behavior

...quoted from the Autism Discussion Page, a very useful resource.

Validating emotions before punishing behavior

When a child is upset and acting out, we tend to focus on “stopping the behavior” as our first priority. When doing so we often punish the behavior, without first understanding “why” it is occurring. Often the child doesn’t have (1) good abilities to control their emotional impulses, and (2) have good skills in handling their reaction to their emotions. So, when we punish the behavior, we are punishing their emotions as well. This tends to invalidate the child, and does not teach them a better way of handling their emotions. I often recommend that whatever technique you use to reduce problem behavior, first “acknowledge and validate” the child’s feelings, then deal with the behavior. Try starting out the intervention this way:

1. Acknowledge that the child is upset "Wow..John, you really look upset to me!"

2. Next, validate that is ok to be upset, "I understand how that you are upset because you cannot have ______ right now. That might make me upset to." This does not mean you have to agree with him, or approve of his behavior, just acknowledge and validate how he feels.

3. Finally, help the child problem solve or understand when or how he might get what he wants. Focus on what you want the child to do, not on any negative behavior.

4. If the child is too upset to talk reasonably with you, simply say "You are too upset to talk right now. That's ok, you let me know when you are calm enough to talk." Then minimize any attention given to the upset behavior." Do not try and reason with a child who is acting out. So little emotion, speak matter of factly, and only reason and problem solve once the child calms enough to talk reasonably.
5. After the child calms down enough to talk, then return to steps 1-3.

This respects the child, even if we are punishing the behavior. Focus first on the feelings, not the behavior. “It is ok to be upset, but not ok to hit.” In order to reduce a negative behavior, you need to focus on training an better alternative way of responding to take it’s place. “How do you want the child to respond” when he is upset? Sit down with the child and work together to identify alternative ways of responding. Once you identify one or more, then practice and role play the desired response, until it becomes more automatic. Then, when the child is upset, validate his feelings, and then coach him to use the response you two have been practicing. You will find that you are then “teaching” the child, rather than simply punishing the child. The child see you as a “working partner” with them, and will try harder to develop more appropriate ways of acting.